Parenting Today…

After having children, my eyes were opened to a whole new topic of interest: how will I raise my children? Everyone seems to have an answer, and the answers can be quite different. First, I want to begin what founds my desire to parent my children, and that is based on the centrality of who I am: a Christian. I must look to the Bible, to Jesus, for instruction if I am to apply what I believe into the lives of my children. The main messages of the gospel include a heavy focus on relationship, commitment, openness, brokenness, humility and ultimate dependence on Christ, not our own abilities. I believe that these messages must transfer over into our roles as parents.

My frustration from reading many Christian parenting books is that often authors are very quick to give a system of rules that works or has worked for their families. While we all desire to find a formula that will work, that will fix our problems, that will soothe our fears, I think that we miss an important element of who we are. We are each fearfully and wonderfully made and we are individuals. Not one of us has the same emotional, physical, physiological make up as anyone else. So how can one formula apply so universally? Besides, rules are made to be broken, right? Unless God turns our hearts into hearts that hear Him, what will having rules solve? Even after our hearts are His, how do rules benefit us? If our focus is rules, we are maintaining outward actions and not discerning the deceptions being fostered in our hearts. If obedience is drawn out of love and a heart responds to that love, or grace, then isn’t that the type of obedience what I desire for my own children?


My children are of preschool and toddler ages. Their needs are different from the needs of pre-teens, yet one day, they will be pre-teens… How will I effectively parent my children? Based on my observations, I have seen three basic options, even as Christian parents. The first is to be rigid, to set up strong barriers of protection, to shelter the children from the realities of our culture, to give the children a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong, to focus on the rules. The second is in opposition to the first: to allow your children to be such a part of the culture that that is all they model, either because you are too busy to spend the time with them or because you as a child felt you were not in the “cool” crowd and therefore your children will be, whether that means designer clothes or being the activity queen with all the newest toys and gadgets. They do not have rules to follow, they read and see whatever whenever, they are overexposed and never truly seen and heard by their parents. Maybe youth group will help them figure a few things out… The third option that I have seen is to be in the culture, but not of the culture… sound familiar? The job then as a parent is to be the gatekeeper, the communicator, the soundboard, the demonstrator, the friend, but certainly the authority figure- always pointing to God. To discuss elements of the culture and relate it back to the Bible, to ask questions that cause more inward reflection within your child: why are you drawn to this story, what makes it so interesting? To develop the individuality of the child without compromising the foundation of their identity in Christ. Certainly, this option seems the most time consuming, the most relationally driven. This option does not have clear and concise answers, it relies on God’s Holy Spirit for wisdom, direction and discernment for the answers as they pertain to each of your children’s needs.

We have the answers that we need in the ultimate authority: God’s word. I think that the next question should be… what is driving me? Are you submitted to God, are you allowing God to work in and through you? Are you sharing your brokenness with your children? Do they know and see where their parents find their answers? Are we driven by our fears or insecurities? Or are we walking by placing our faith in God and depending on Him for our answers?